The Weekends of Visser Three
by BackgroundRobot-11
Summary: Ever wonder what Visser Three gets up to in his spare time? Well wonder no longer and witness the insanity that is The Weekends of Visser Three!


So, this story came about thanks to the blog, Cinnamon Bunzuh, which does reviews of the Animorphs book series. They suggested that on his weekends, Visser Three goes and collects exotic morphs from various dangerous animals. I really liked this idea, so I decided to make a fic about it, and here it is! I don't own Animorphs, as should be obvious. Also, be sure to check out Cinnamon Bunzuh, it's awesome. So, without any further ado, please enjoy the following story!

**The Weekends of Visser Three**

Visser Three looked eagerly at the clock that hung on his office wall. 4:58 PM.

((Just two more minutes, two more minutes and then...yes!)) Visser Three thought spoke to himself.

((This is ridiculous, are you really counting down the Earth minutes?)) Alloran questioned, incredulous.

((No one asked you! No go back to despairing in the dark recesses of your mind, I have work to do!))Visser Three snapped before he went back to work...which just so happened to be staring at the clock while doodling pictures of himself holding hands with Elfangor, the two of them skipping merrily through a field.

((Oh, that is sad. Are you still really not over him?))

((Hey, shut up! He was the best arch nemesis a Yeerk could hope for!))

((...You totally had a bromance going on with him, didn't you?)) Alloran teased.

((No I did not! Shut your mind!)) An angry Visser Three said.

((Esplin and Elfangor, sittin' in a tree!)) Alloran sang.

In response, Visser Three stabbed himself in the hand with his tail blade.

((Ha! Not so clever now that I stabbed your precious hand, are you?))

((That's your hand too, you idiot!))

Visser Three paused...and that's when the searing pain set in.

((Oh damn it! This is agony! Damn you walkies and your senses!)) Visser Three screamed as he nursed his hand, trying to morph it into something else so that it could heal.

((Walkies? Wait, did you just invent a derogatory name for host bodies?)) Alloran asked while Visser Three clung to what was now a very branch like limb.

Before Visser Three could reply, an urgent banging came upon the door to his office.

"Visser Three! Help us! The Andalite bandits are attacking us! They've already killed 23 Hork-Bajir! The Taxxons are in a feeding frenzy and they ate Steve!" A Human controller shrieked as he pounded furiously on the door.

((Not now, peon! I'm busy doing Visser stuff!)) Visser Three shouted back as he went back to staring at the clock. Just thirty more seconds...

"Oh sweet merciful Yeerk Jesus! They ripped off my arm! That was my grabbin' arm! I needed it to grab stuff!"

((Five, four, three, two, one and...Work's over!)) Visser Three cheered as he stood up.

"Uh, does that mean that you're going t-?" SLAM! "Oh God, my nose!"

At that moment, Visser Three slammed open the door to his office, breaking the unfortunate Human controller's nose. It really was just a bad day for him.

((Everyone, I'm going away for the weekend! Chapman, you're in charge, if you fail, I'll eat your nose!)) Visser Three announced, oblivious to the chaos that was going on around him.

Mutilated Hork-Bajir lay about, clutching gaping wounds. Taxxons were eating everything that showed the slightest sign of being damaged. A Yeerk pool which was tipped over with the defenceless Yeerks flopping around on the ground, slowly drying up. A hawk was riding on the shoulder of a gorilla, riding on the back of a wolf, riding on the back of a tiger riding on the back of an elephant.

So, all in all, a typical Friday afternoon for Visser Three.

"Wait, you're just leaving us? You're not going to deal with the Andalites or anything?" A different Human controller asked.

((Well, I would but I just punched out)) Visser Three said.

"But the Andalites-!"

((I. Just. Punched. Out.)) Visser Three said quietly, glaring at the controller, daring him to say another word.

"I just think-Oh God!"

In response, Visser Three cut his arm off with his tail blade.

((Anyone else have something to say?)) Visser Three questioned.

The other controllers and the Andalite bandits all rapidly shook their heads.

((Good! I'll be back by Sunday night! Remember, Chapman, your nose))

And with that, Visser Three left.

((Am I high? Because frankly, that was completely Belgiumed up!))

((Shut up Alloran))

Aboard the Blade Ship...

"...I mean, none of the planets we visit seem to have names!" One of the pilots said to another controller.

"I dunno, Stan, what about Earth?" The second controller asked.

"Well, aside from Earth. I mean think about it, does the Andalite homeworld even have a name?"

"...Well, I've never really thought about it...but it's just the stupid Andalite homeworld, why would I care what it's called anyway?"

"And what about _our _homeworld? Can you tell me its name?" Controller Stan pressed.

The second paused for a moment, considering it "...Hey, you're right! Wait, does our own homeworld seriously not have a name?"

"That's kinda sad." Controller Stan said.

The second controller stoop up, passion blazing in his eyes "Well, I for one demand that our homeworld receive a name! I say we call the Council of Thirteen and make them give our homeworld a name! Why I-!"

ZAP!

"Oh my Yeerk God! Steve!" Controller Stan cried out as Steve the second controller was instantly disintegrated by a dracon beam.

((I don't what you plebs were talking about, but it's disturbing my precious kitties!)) Visser Three snapped as he strolled onto the bridge of the Blade Ship, accompanied by a small army of cats.

"Oh, Yeerk Lord, he brought his cats!" An Unemite controller muttered.

((Ok lesser beings, this weekend we shall scour the far off reaches of space to-Hey, bad Taxxon! Stay away from my kitty!)) Visser Three exclaimed as he whacked a drooling Taxxon who was looming over a calico cat with the flat end of his tail blade, dazing it.

"Screeeeet!" Another Taxxon controller...screet-ed, roughly translated it would have meant "Taxxon Bob is injured! Eat him! Eat him!"

And at that, all of the Taxxons on the bridge proceeded to devour Taxxon Bob as the horrified bridge crew watched on...minus Visser Three, who was fawning over his many cats.

((Ok, now let's see here, which planet should I travel to...)) Visser Three thought muttered to himself as he surveyed a list of planets while simultaneously stroking a cat ((Dagobah? No...Rigel VII? No...Cyclos...Yeerk God, no! Ah, here we go! Pilots, set course for the Inferno Beast homeworld!))

The crew let out a collective groan.

"See? What did I tell you, disintegrated remains of Steve!" Controller Stan shouted in annoyance to the smoke that was all that was left of Steve, which Controller Stan quickly bottled.

On the Inferno Beast homeworld...

((Ah, looks like we're finally here!)) Visser Three announced as he walked down the exit ramp of the Blade Ship, closely accompanied by a large group of controllers.

"No duh." Hork-Bajir controller Robin muttered, not at all pleased by Visser Three's habit of stating the obvious.

((What was that, small, insignificant creature?)) Visser Three questioned, wheeling around.

"Uh...Steve said it!" Controller Robin quickly said, pointing in Steve's direction, who was currently wafting around in a jar being held by Controller Stan.

Quick as a flash, Visser Three's tail blade lashed out and smashed the jar containing Steve, causing him to dissipate in the breeze.

"No! STEEEEEEVE!" Controller Stan cried out as he collapsed onto his knees.

((And let that be a lesson to you all)) Visser Three said calmly.

((Wow, you are seriously insane, you know that, Slimy?)) Alloran asked.

((Shut your filthy Andalite mind, Alloran!)) Visser Three snapped.

((Don't be such a little shazbot, Slimy!)) Alloran said.

((Well you're a...a walkie!)) Visser Three replied.

((Oooh, that was such a great comeback!)) Alloran said, his mind just _dripping _with sarcasm.

In response, Visser Three cut his own foreleg off with one clean slice of his tail blade...which caused him to lose his balance and topple over.

((Oh, Yeerk God damn it!)) Visser Three shrieked as Alloran went into hysterics, despite the pain.

"Why is he our leader again?" Controller Robin whispered to Controller Stan.

Controller Stan shrugged as he picked up the pieces of the jar which had held Steve.

One morph healing later...

((Ok, if anyone so much as mentions this to Visser One or the Council of Thirteen, I will eat their kidneys)) Visser Three warned the controllers ((Now, spread out until you find something dangerous! You can alert me with your bloodcurdling screams of fear and or agony! First one to find something gets to keep their nose!))

Understandably, the other controllers all proceeded to rush around in search of a dangerous animal. Short of running into a vanark, there was no way it could be worse than the Visser in any case...

"So, what exactly are we looking for?" Controller Robin asked.

"You heard the Visser, anything that could kill us in unimaginably horrible ways." Orff Controller Chet replied.

"Oh, you mean like this thing that is currently eating my lower body?" Controller Robin said as he pointed to a large, toad like creature which was indeed nomming on Controller Robin's legs.

"I dunno, does it spit acid, breathe fire, have eight or more heads, ooze poison or spit on the laws of nature and all that is right with the universe?" Controller Chet asked.

"Hmmm...No, it's just eating my legs, look at it go..." Controller Robin said as he looked down at the beast, which had now completely severed his legs.

"Then no, Visser Three wouldn't want it." Controller Chet replied as he dragged Controller Robin's legless body away from the toad monster.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to an imaginary race or something?"

"Oh, uh, no, there was a time...thing involved and, uh...my species is totally real!"

Elsewhere, Visser Three and a handful of Controllers were combing the jungles in search of something sufficiently dangerous for the Visser's tastes.

"This land eel with dagger sized teeth?" Controller Stan asked.

((Too small, it's only two meters in height!)) Visser Three snapped.

"This mobile, thorn shooting flower-frog?" Unemite Controller Cody offered.

((Not dangerous enough!))

Steve floated lazily in his jar.

In response, Visser Three smashed it with one quick flick of his tail.

((Damn it, Steve! Why do you make me hurt you so?))

"Nooooo!" Controller Stan cried out in anguish.

"Nom Toad?" Controller Robin suggested as he was dragged by Controller Chet past the group.

((Not-Wait, what's a Nom Toad?)) Visser Three questioned, a confused look on his face.

It was at that point that a large, monstrous looking creature crashed through the trees, knocking them over and crushing the controllers around Visser Three.

((Of course! The inferno beast! This planet is named for them after all!)) Visser Three said, slapping his forehead.

((You're an idiot)) Alloran thought muttered.

((Hey, frak you, ya damn walkie!)) Visser Three snapped.

((Using Cylon curse words now? How uninspired))

((Oh, you want me to move on to Vogon poetry? Cause I will you stupid dapsen!))

The fighting would have undoubtedly continued had the inferno beast not chosen that moment to slice off Visser Three's right arm with one of its claws.

((Oh, that's right, giant, deadly monster standing right in front of us...)) Visser Three said as he looked down at his bloody stump.

((How the hell can you forget a thing like that?-!)) An incredulous Alloran snapped.

((I found a way and-hey! He cut off my arm!)) Visser Three.

((WHAT?-! Are you really only just noticing that now?-!))

Visser Three picked up his arm and ran towards the inferno beast where he...began beating it with his own severed arm ((I'll! Teach! You! To! Cut! Off! My! Arm!)) Visser Three snarled as he repeatedly whacked the monster.

The inferno beast merely looked extremely confused, before it breathed fire on Visser Three, singing him somewhat...by which I mean he was in horrible agony.

((Oh dear, sweet, merciful Yeerk God! It burns us! It burns uuussssss!)) Visser Three screamed as he ran around, his body burning up.

((I've never felt such pain! And I've seen the crap Katie Lucas makes!)) Alloran cried, in an equal amount of agony.

Understandably, the trapped controllers flinched.

"I would not want to be him right now." Controller Chet said.

"Me either...incidentally, I really am losing quite a lot of blood over here." Controller Robin added.

The Visser meanwhile, had morphed into another one of his abominations and was preparing to fight the inferno beast.

((All right, you giant, fire breathing, freak of nature, let's dance!)) Visser Three taunted as he flexed his tentacles.

((Oh, you watch way too much Human popular culture)) Alloran chided.

((Hey, screw you, "_A Nightmare on Elm Street_" was a good movie!))

At that point, the inferno beast punched Visser Three in the throat.

((Ow! Oh, Yeerk God damn it!)) Visser Three said.

((You really need to learn not to get so easily sidetracked)) Alloran said, wishing he could roll his eyestalks.

And at that, the epic fight began. Oh, it truly was a sight; I wish I was imaginative enough to tell you about it in detail. Instead, you'll have to make do with these sound effects.

PUNCH!

POW!

BIFF!

ZORT!

SNUH!

((Wow, you're really laying into it)) Alloran said as he watched Visser Three mercilessly beat the inferno beast.

((Yeah, it helps that I'm imagining it as Carl from "_The Walking Dead"_. That little bastard, he got Dale killed!)) Visser Three snarled as he got the inferno beast in a headlock.

((What? That show won't even exist until another ten years!)) Alloran pointed out.

((There's been so much time travel that I don't even know what year I'm in anymore...)) Visser Three muttered as he bit down on his foe's skull.

Finally, the mighty, flame throwing beast went down. Conveniently (or not), it was also around this time that Visser Three's controllers managed to free themselves from under the tree.

((Oh, hey, look who finally decided to make themselves useful!)) Visser Three said as he demorphed, glaring at his companions.

"In our defence, we were all stuck under a tree..." Invader Cody pointed out.

((That's no excuse, man...uh, alien...hairy thing! You could have just morphed and-!))

"We can't morph, only you can do that. Also, please help me, as I am bleeding to death." Invader Robin said.

((Oh, well, uh...you're all getting your pay docked!)) Visser Three snapped.

"This has been the worst weekend ever, right, Steve?" Controller Stan asked as he held out Steve's Jar at arm's length, dangerously close to Visser Three's outstretched tail bade.

In response, Visser Three stabbed Controller Stan in the stomach and flung him into a nearby tree. As it happened, Controller Steve's jar landed perfectly undamaged.

"...Ow."

((Right, now to acquire this stupid alien which I will never use in canon!)) Visser Three said as he strolled up to the unconscious inferno beast.

"...What." Controller Cody said, so outraged that it wasn't even a question.

Visser Three, however, was too distracted to notice, having picked up his severed, roasted Andalite arm.

((Hmm, shame to let this go to waste...)) Visser Three mused, before he morphed a mouth made up of tentacles.

((What? Oh please tell me you're not going to-)) Alloran began.

CHOMP!

At that, Visser Three began to eat his own arm.

((Oh, dear, sweet, Andalite God! That is not right! That is not right at all!)) Alloran screamed, wishing he could vomit.

"Mmmm, crispy!" Visser Three said, his mouth full.

"Worst. Weekend. Ever." Controller Steve said.

The others all turned to look at Steve's jar.

((Did...did that jar of vaporised Human and Yeerk just speak?)) Alloran asked.

Back on the Blade Ship...

"I'm telling you, man, Lauren Bowle's forehead is large enough to be labelled as its own planet." Controller Cody said to Controller Robin.

In response, Controller Robin lolled his head around and stuck out his tongue, as no one had seen to his furiously bleeding leg wounds.

((Well, that was a fun weekend, I can't wait until we can do it again, right guys?)) Visser Three asked cheerfully.

There was a collective groan from the bridge crew.

"Uh, sir, we found this in the engine room." A Human controller said as he handed Visser Three a tiny spaceship.

((Ooooh, toy ship! If it doesn't belong to anyone here, I call dibs on it! And I will play with it, and take it to the park and call it George! ANDTHENIWILLSMASHITWITHMYFIST!)) Visser Three shouted as he raised his fist to punch the ship.

Suddenly, a voice called out from the ship.

((Attention lower life forms, this is the star ship "_Star Blow-er-up-er" _of the mighty Helmacron empire! Surrender now and we will spare your pitiful lives, otherwise, we shall vaporise you all and commandeer your ship!))

The controllers stared at the ship im surprise.

Visser Three paused to stare at the ship...before he repeatedly smashed it with his fist ((Oh no! A giant asteroid is attacking the ship! Bwoom! Eek! Crash!))

Visser Three didn't hear the tiny screams coming from the ship. His crew on the other hand, looked very disturbed by what was going on.

On Earth...

((Well, Chapman, I'm home! How's your nose? Clean I hope, because if you failed...)) Visser Three said as he walked into the room...

...And into complete chaos. Dead Taxxons and Hork-Bajirs littered the area as severely mutilated Humans cleaned the room. The floor was covered in dead Yeerks and spilled Yeerk pool...fluids. Worst of all, the Andalite bandits had spray painted "VISSER 3 SUCKS" on the wall. Chapman seemed to be cowering behind a half dead Taxxon, who was weakly trying to eat its own midsection.

"Oh, Yeerk Christ..." Chapman murmured in fear as he witnessed Visser Three.

((Chapman! What the helling hell, man?)) Visser Three questioned as he glowered down at the unfortunate controller.

"W-w-well, s-sir, you see, the A-Andalite b-bandits attacked while you w-were gone...actually, they attacked before you left..." Chapman stammered.

((Stop making excuses man! Get on with it!)) Visser Three snapped.

"A-and then t-they...well, they attacked our controllers and k-killed most of the Taxxons and some of the Hork-Bajir and badly injured the Human controllers. Then they drained the Yeerk pool, graffiti-ed the walls and ate that cinnamon bun you left in the fridge..." Chapman continued.

((WHAT?-! My cinnamon bun! Those evil, Andalite bastards!)) Visser Three roared, causing Chapman to flinch.

"Uh, yes, but again, they did drain the Yeerk pool and-" SHWING! "Oh Yeerk God, my nose!" Chapman screamed as he clutched the bleeding hole where his nose was.

((I warned you, Chapman, your nose)) Visser Three said, before he began nibbling his lieutenant's nose.

((There is something seriously wrong with you, you know that?)) Alloran asked.

Epilogue...

Chapman was cloned a new nose...unfortunately, Visser Three ate that one too, having discovered a taste for noses.

Controller Cody was mistaken for Bigfoot by drunken hunters, pumped full of tranquilizers and taken to a zoo. He is now known to ramble to the visitors that he is in fact an alien from another planet.

Controller Robin was given a new pair of cybernetic legs. Unfortunately, they were made for Gedd usage and so were a terrible fit.

As it turned out, Controller Chet was in fact imaginary, having been a hallucination created by Controller Robin. Fortunately, the Ellimist brought him to life out of boredom. He and Controller Robin now own a bed and breakfast on the Orff homeworld...which is also imaginary.

After being stabbed by Visser Three, controller Stan was miraculously revived when Visser Three tried to eat his corpse. For his own amusement, Visser Three attached his mutilated body to controller Bob's remains.

Controller Stan was later resurrected by the Ellimist, only to die again in a freak jam accident.

The Helmacrons that Visser Three didn't kill later successfully conquered Lauren Bowle's forehead. Visser Three owns a summer home there.

Alloran

As for Visser Three, he continues to spend his weekends hunting exotic, deadly and highly improbable alien species. He has never been happier.

* * *

And there you have it! We hope that you enjoyed the fic, please remember to review and finally...thanks for reading!


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